I want to thank everyone of you who has stopped by my blog during 2005. I hope you'll be back in 2006. In 2006, I hope to keep the blog interesting and I'm going to try something new (shhh...you'll find out in January). I also want to tie all of my blogs in together somewhow. I will be posting once a week, which will give you all week to stop by and comment at your leisure.
As the year ends, I've been reflecting on the good and the bad of this past year, but most importantly I'm focusing on the good because God saw fit that I'm still here.
I am still fine tuning my goals for the upcoming year. I can say that at least 75 percent of the goals I set for 2005 came to pass--so there's power in words :)
This will be the last post until January 2006.
Until then, I wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a BLESSED NEW YEAR!!!
Shelia
Do you think talking to friends about a man you met and really like will jinx the relationship before it has a chance to blossom? I'm not superstitious at all, but it seems when I tell friends about "so and so", then "so and so" does something stupid or starts to trip and then the next time my friend asks, I have to tell them oh "so and so" is history because of "xyz" reason.
Mums the word now. I hardly say anything about the guy I'm dating unless he does something extraordinary. Even then I'm vague. Maybe on a subconscious level I'm afraid I'll jinx the start of the relationship if I say more. Hmmm.
Have you ever set down and wrote out a list of the qualities you're looking for in a man? You know the list that is your ideal Mr. Right. Have you ever met a man that's come close to the things you have on your list? If so, are you with the guy now or did you find out that the guy isn't really the guy you wanted even though he fit the criteria you've been searching for.
One of the discussions I've been having with a male friend of mine is the fact that we women say we want a good man to do x,y,z, but when we get him we find something else wrong...so the question I ask is do we really know what we want?
By Shelia M Goss
Note: I wrote this as a guest blogger on Nikki Woods' blog a few days ago, so you might be reading this for the second time.
Never thought almost 20 years later, I would be singing lyrics to an old Janet Jackson song, “No, my first name ain’t baby,” but I am.
Why do men take it upon themselves to call women, “baby” during the course of a conversation?
Is it used as a term of endearment or does it go deeper than that?
Several years ago, a male friend, who we’ll call “John,” did something that surprised me. I observed him speak with several women over a span of a few hours. Each time they called, instead of saying their name, his initial greeting was “Hi Baby.”
After the umpteenth call, I decided to ask him, “Why do you call those women Baby instead of using their names?”
His response surprised me. “It gives me time to either pick up on their voice or have them tell me who they are,” he responded.
All I could say was, “Oh I see.”
John taught me that evening to pay close attention to when a man uses the word “baby.”
When I hear it now, I don’t take the man too seriously. I find myself crinkling up whenever I hear it.
Does the word “baby” irritate you like it irritates me? Some men use the term so much that it becomes a habit. I’ve heard so many men use it out of habit that they probably aren’t aware of how annoying it can be.
I tried to get over the annoyance when I met this new guy and he used it. Well that is, until I heard him use it when talking to a cashier, a mutual stranger, at the store. Afterwards, hearing him call me “baby” didn’t hold that same warm fuzzy feeling it once did.
Men, please beware and don’t use the word to every Sue, Jill, and Jane you come across. And women the next time a man says it to you, why not let him know that, “No my first name ain’t baby, it’s…”
It could be worse; they could be calling us another B word.
Shelia M Goss is a freelance writer and the Essence Bestselling author of My Invisible Husband, Roses are thorns, Violets are True and My Three Beaus.
Website: http://www.sheliagoss.com
Email: sheliagoss@aol.com
Blogs: http://myinvisiblehusband.blogspot.com
http://sheliagoss.blogspot.com
http://intheknowentertainment.blogspot.com
Nikki Woods "tagged" me. My assignment: to write fifteen interesting facts about my writing/reading life. Some of these you know about me, but then again maybe not.
Writing:
1. I can write the first draft of a novel in a month if the characters are vivid in my head. I usually wait until the characters hound me to write their story so that it'll flow. I've tried writing any other kind of way but it doesn't work for me. My characters must speak to me :)
2. I like complete solitude when writing. I don't like being interrupted unless it's an emergency; otherwise, you will get a half of a response. You could ask me to sign over my life's savings and I would say okay because I'm not really listening to you when I'm in a writer's zone.
3. I dream movies. I wish I could finance all of the great movie ideas I dream of. I have to keep a notepad by my bed to write short synopsis of what I've dreamed for future use.
4. I do a character sketch for every main character. By the time I finish with the character sketch, I know the character better than I know my friends...lol
5. I don't like to let people read my stuff unless it's finished because I know me. I will more than likely change some stuff when I go through the edits.
6. One of my novels is written under a pen name due to the fact that most of my books are considered women's fiction and I don't want to mix up my reading audience. No I am not telling you my pen name (smile).
7. None of my stories are about me. Although some folks swear I'm the over 30 never been married character of one of my novels. My stories are all fiction. I only meet folks later that have similiar characteristics as my characters. Reality is stranger than fiction.
8. Due to my vivid imagination, My motto "I write stories with a twist" developed and that's my goal with every story.
Reading:
9. I'm an avid reader and read in all genres. Reading is my favorite pasttime. My favorite however is either romance or mysteries. There's nothing like a good romance or a good mystery.
10. I write during the day and read at night.
11. If the book is good, it doesn't take me long to read it. If it's not, it takes me forever.
12. I can read by myself or in a crowd. I've mastered the art of tuning folks out.
13. I've started reading more street fiction and find that I enjoy it.
14. I used to write book reviews monthly so for the longest I was required to read a book. Now that I'm not reviewing books as often, the joy of reading has resurfaced. I enjoy reading "just because."
15. If I meet an author and they have a bad attitude, I usually don't read anymore of their books. Even if I was their number one fan before.
Next--
Anyone who wants to do it.
By Shelia M. Goss
Are you in a new relationship? Has your current relationship lost some of its pizzazz? Here are a few simple ways to help make your relationship stronger.
To read what I wrote, please visit Sylvia Hubbard's blog. I'm a guest blogger there.
The post is @
http://loveablackwoman.blogspot.com/2005/12/simple-way-to-make-relationship.html
I look forward to your comments. Do you agree, disagree or have any of your own?
AALIYAH: Like Aaliyah, you are one in a
million, girl. You don't care about what others
might say about you, you just keep it real and
do you. You are a sweet, caring person who is
always happy and knows how to have fun. People
know that and can't keep away from your
addicting personality. You hold it down for
your family AND your friends. And those Harry
Potter books? You know you gotta read
'em.
Which female R&B artist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.
3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.
4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.
12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
13. Never apologize for saying NO.
14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?
15. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
17. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
19. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)
21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
22. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.
23. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
25. Never apologize for being you!
--Author unknown
By Guest Blogger Deirdre Savoy
When Shelia asked me to guest write for her blog on the topic of relationships I was at first stymied. Even though I write romance and romantic suspense, I don’t spend much time contemplating relationships of the man/woman variety. I’ve got a pain-in-the butt husband like every other woman I know. Aside from those of the abusive, controlling or irresponsible varieties, all you can do is shake your head and keep on doing what needs to be done
Honestly, the relationship most on my mind is the one I share with my daughter. From birth, she wasn’t one of those frilly girls you could dress up and expect much in the way of ladylike behavior. She’s always been a little hoyden, more interested in classically male pursuits than those society says she should be interested in.
That’s always been fine by me. But suddenly, her hair has to be combed with the part just so, hanging out with her girlfriends after school is now mandatory and everything I do and every word out of my mouth is, to put it in her word, so, so wrong. My daughter is a teenager and she’s driving me crazy.
It’s not like I didn’t see this coming. I was a teenage girl once, too. On top of that, I had been damned to this existence long ago by the ubiquitous mother’s curse: I hope you have one just like you. Then you’ll know what it’s like. I did and I do.
In many ways, my daughter, or my Mini-Me, as my husband calls her, is exactly like me: opinionated, feisty, driven—short. But she is definitely her own person. She wants to be a writer and a guitar player and a film director and a professional skate boarder. As her mom, who am I to argue that all these things are not possible at the same time. All I get to do is bankrupt myself buying electric guitars and kneepads. And wait and wonder where the future will take her and what she will become.
Deirdre Savoy is the National Bestselling Author of ten books and one novella. She won the first Emma award for Favorite New Author. Since then, her books have been featured in Black Expressions Book Club, RT Bookclub, Affaire d’Coeur, Black Issues Book Review and other national publications. Her latest romantic suspense, Body of Truth, was published this November by Dafina/Romace.
By Shelia M Goss
I’ve been thinking about you more than I should
And your actions are doing me no good.
I was there for you whenever you called.
But when I needed you, you couldn’t be found.
When I’m not there, you should understand why.
I gave you my time, and you gave me some lies.
Tell me, Do you get a thrill on playing these games.
Do you look at the caller id, because you can’t remember my name.
Why Are You Playing Games with me?
If you’re not playing games, I do apologize.
But if you are, please stop wasting my time.
I know you’re busy, but I’m busy too.
And no matter what, I seemed to make time for you.
Communication is a two way street.
Verbal, not just in between the sheets.
See I’ve been down this road before
And to be honest, I can’t take much more.
So I ask you, Why Are You Playing Games with me?
I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt,
And now I’m seeing what you’re really about.
You tried to take advantage of my kind heart.
I’ll move on, before I let you tear it apart.
Time and time again, I’ve given you a chance.
So as the music fades, remember this is our last dance.
By Guest Blogger Mahoganie
Nola Darling.
What was it about Nola that captivated an audience during the late 80’s? Was it the fascination that a female could be just as bold as a male and participate in casual sex? Was it the fact that Nola stepped over the taboo line of the time and engaged in an affair with another woman? Perhaps it was because Nola represented a voice among a group of females that somehow miss the mark when it comes to love and are constantly searching for whatever this love thing is.
Spike Lee was on to something when he created this fictional character for the movie “She’s Gotta Have it.” With the birth of Nola, society was now faced with the consequences of the sexual revolution, especially with the issue of AIDS and HIV being pushed to the forefront. While Lee did present the obvious conflict of the storyline, Nola’s promiscuity, he failed to explore deeper into why Nola is the way she is. By the movie’s end, Nola is left wondering and perhaps still in search of love. Even though the lights and cameras have long shut off for her, she still lives. She’s been that one good best friend of yours that you talk to daily. She’s been that sister that stood next to you in church shouting “Hallelujah!” She’s a mother, aunt or cousin. She is you and sadly she could be me.
She is often one of the most misunderstood people in this world. Outsiders only see the obvious as they spot her with Derrick on Monday walking to the mom and pop store, Eric the following week as they seem cozy in the back corner of some comedy club, and by the end of the month she is comfortably seated on the passenger’s side of Tyrone’s silver S-Class. It is these instances that cause the outsiders to snub her and call her a sinner and a whore. Nola is a sinner indeed, but a whore? She is only trying to make up for whatever it is she lacks.
Maybe she lacks affection. Perhaps as a child she wasn’t hugged and told “I love you” enough or at all. Even though she loved her parents, she wasn’t that close to them, especially her mother. Maybe she had some type of love-hate relationship with her mother and they never took the time to sit down and discuss life and love. Perhaps it was just a painful subject to even want to touch. As for her father, he could have been around but never serving as some type of example of what a loving man is to a woman. Then again, it could be that Nola’s first love turned her out and ultimately broke her down to a point where she allowed a treacherous spirit to reign on the inside and suck up the most beautiful part of her like a leech. Perhaps an abusive relationship did the same.
Outsiders may never understand or know the real reason why Nola is the way she is, but those of us that are Nola or have been there, we know. Mainly, it’s a cry for help, but at times it’s just pure satisfaction from a substitution. The dangerous thing about it is that it can easily become an addiction. Searching for love in all the wrong places is just like a junkie seeking a fix. While it may never be verbalized, on the inside there is a loud voice that is hollering, “LOVE ME!!!!” Yet, in the midst of this there are consequences. Feelings get hurt, spirits are brutally bruised, unborn babies pass through like thieves in the night and of course sexually transmitted diseases are all results of this life.
While her outward appearance says “Peachy King,” Nola lives a tough life. As a matter of fact she lives two doors down from Roxanne and all of her red lights. So what can save her? Who can save her? For many church goers, the answer seems perfectly clear. Yet, it’s ultimately Nola’s choice as to which path she wants to take. Then it becomes a question of how serious is Nola about wanting to be saved.
Just like with any habit, it’s hard to stop cold turkey and not suffer a relapse. Old habits do die hard. For Nola, until someone is willing to love her whole and show her that love isn’t about pain, she just may still be wandering and in search of love.
A native of Washington, DC, Mahoganie is a freelance journalist and the author of the forthcoming novel, “Sinful Soliloquies,” which is scheduled for release in late 2006. In conjunction with the novel, she is also pursing a documentary that will focus on the stigma of mental health in the Black community, specifically with Black females. While doesn’t have “professional” site, she does offer you a taste of her writing world through her site on MySpace.com: http://www.myspace.com/mahoganie Email: Mahoganie@gmail.com.
"That's not quite rape." That was a listener's response to a call-in which a distraught listener related her emotional trauma that she was still suffering through ten years following a brutal assault at the hands of her fiancee.
"What did you just say?" I asked, incredulously.
"That's not quite rape." Seconds ticked by as the rage slowly worked itself to a boil, starting deep inside, burned its way up the back of my neck and had my eyes stinging with unshed tears. The caller went on to explain his rationale but I heard none of it; his words blocked by the screams of pain and hurt from my own "not quite rape" experience.
I didn't talk about it then and I still don't. It has been thirteen years for me but I've never quite gotten over it. And never will.
Like this caller most people still think of rape as a random attack, happening in dark corners at night or in empty parking lots. Although this is a tragic reality for some women, the majority of rapes occur when there is some degree of trust..... Yet, less then 5% of date rapes are ever reported.
I reported mine but to no avail. The system that set in place to assist the victims of crime only raped me again. So I shut my mouth and went on about living a life that I no longer felt belonged to me.
Instead of getting counseling, I worked in the trenches: talking to young women about dangers of sexual assault; whether it is at the hands on someone you know or someone you don't; advocating for tougher laws and more stringent sentencing for those who commit sexual assault and holding the hands of those who are dealing with the aftermath, struggling to pick up the pieces of their lives and their shattered femininity.
It was my own form of therapy and I thought it was working. But as I listened to the call again, I realized I still have a long way to go in my own healing process. Not on the surface - my physical scars have long since faded; but the emotional scars that are hidden deep within and are still puckered and pink.
I used to think the details weren't important. After al I gave the details - in excruciating detail to a group of people that only turned them against me. But now I've come to realize that the details are crucial. Because the signs of control and rage that I saw only in hindsight might prevent someone else from suffering through the ongoing aftermath of rape.
My body was violated but so was the very essence of what makes me a woman.
And the reclamation of that essence has been my life's journey; manifesting itself through depression, eating disorders, low self-esteem and relationship issues that plagued me through my twenties. Now in my thirties, I still jump at shadows, unexpected movements and loud male voices.
Even in the most tender moments with my husband, a similar movement brings back hellish memories.
My self-esteem as a woman is still splintered but it is no longer shattered and I've started taking back what it rightfully mine.
I'm starting to feel myself.
And love myself.
Validate and believe: Rape victims need reassurance that the assault was not their fault and that their feelings are normal. Although you feel you might have reacted differently, remember that each person's reactions are uniquely theirs.
Create a safe place: Both emotionally and physically, it is important for the survivor to feel in control again.
Expression: The feelings of a survivor of sexual assault can be very strong. Expressing these powerful feelings in a safe environment is an important part of the healing process.
Offer options-not advice: Survivors often struggle with important and complex decisions. You can be most helpful by helping her identify all of the options available and supporting her in her decision making.
Most importantly, believe in the possibility of healing.
Continue to be blessed.
Nikki Woods is an accomplished radio and television personality, author, filmmaker, motivational speaker and business owner. You can visit her online at www.NikkiWoods.com.
Contributed by Guest Blogger Yolanda Johnson
Yes Ladies. It is the men's turn. So grab your pen and pad and take notes. I surveyed a vast array of men, from different social economical backgrounds, ages, and professions. If you've ever thought all men want from women is sex; you are probably right; depending on which man you ask. One thing I found was that younger men, had sex at the top of their list while older men had things such as communication, independence and confidence at the top of their lists. After tallying up the top ten things men want from women, this is what I came up with. Keep in mind that this is a combination of all the responses that I received.
To read the 10 Things Men Want From Women, go to: http://www.literarywonders.com/coverstory.htm.
Yolanda M. Johnson is not new to the scene. She is the president and CEO of Literary Wonders! A premiere literary source. Yolanda rings in 2006 with her highly anticipated title “Circumstances”. Yolanda made her debut entry into the world of authors with “My Daughter’s Keeper”. She made her writing entry into the literary realm in 1998 when she entered and won a short story contest with an adult magazine. Since then Ms. Johnson has worked on several projects including anthology projects and youth scholarship contests as well as reviewing and research. Yolanda is currently working hard on a second anthology project as well as three other novels. In addition, Yolanda is the editor of AMAG Online!
By Guest Blogger Wanda D. Hudson
True love, does it exist? Everlasting love, is it a reality? The white horse, the golden carriage, the wedding bouquet, or the garter belt that is tossed into your desperately sweaty needing hands, are those the things that tag along with a soul mate? Why of course they belong if you’ve imagined your perfect relationship while you were asleep. I think that’s the problem. The sleeping aspect.
The days of arranged marriages weren’t perfect. Who dreamed that up? Mail order brides. Someone definitely fell asleep while printing out those flyers. A perfect nights sleep will wake you up feeling refreshed. Sleeping while planning a perfect relationship makes your wake up call similar to one of a high-pitched American Idol losing rooster. Irritating.
Didn’t you hear? The Prince in Sleeping Beauty left her for Snow White. It had something to do with Beauty being tired all the time and living in a land of make believe. Snow White knew how to party, having been with seven men and all, seven short men, but sometimes we make the mistake of taking what you can get. Basically, it’s time to wake up if you want a functional relationship!
Is it fair to halt the happiness of a friend when they exclaim, “I’ve found the perfect one for me!” Yes! Do them and yourself a big favor, yell STOP! They say never ask the advice of a single woman. They’re nothing but bitter. Ha! Idiots I tell ya! Every one of the doubters. You’re single for an excellent reason. You’ve stopped falling asleep at the wheel and saved yourself from a head on collision with a broken-shifted sports car. Who wants to be involved with a sports car anyway? They’re all about the quickie. Everything with them is rush, rush, rush. Speeding throughout your every move is tiresome. Besides, you never feel the full effect of what you’re after, but that sports car is satisfied every time.
It is your duty, your mastered right as an elder on the subject, to prevent the inexperienced from making a mistake. Divorce Court. The show is entertainment, but do you really want your love life to be entertaining to others? If you’re not in search of publicity stay away from the example of the old school Elizabeth Taylor, and for the hipsters, Jennifer Lopez. Walking down the aisle over and over makes your clothing dingy. You know it’s not getting a thorough cleansing if you continue to use it year after year. Do you want to look like the little nasty kid in Peanuts? Dancing around with a fake smile on and kicking up dust? Yuck. Wake up!
This piece is strictly for the ladies. We seem to be the ones most inclined to make a fool out of ourselves in search of LOVE.
“Ooooh, how dreamy his eyes are.”
“Look at his triceps and biceps. His body is delicious.”
“He always opens car doors for me and every door we enter together.”
“He paid for me a new outfit.”
“Oh, this hairstyle? Mr. Perfect paid for it.”
“He’s so wonderful. He bought me flowers and candy.”
Add the sentence where he used those dreamy eyes to look at your girlfriend’s cleavage. Why is he in the gym so much working on that body with a female personal trainer? Aren’t you going to tell us how he forgot about you on the passenger’s side when someone dinged his door? Road rage while parked. There’s nothing wrong with the Goodwill, but geez, do you really want to wear a passed down duster to the movie theater? Don’t forget about the hairstyle. He wants a woman with long silky locs and you’re trying to con him with your baby bald self. Mr. Perfect gave you thirty dollars for a wash and set, with much attitude might I add, and you used your cable bill money of one hundred and fifty dollars to cover the cost of the extra weave. Tell us about how he frowned when you gained a few pounds from eating the candy? Uh, huh. I didn’t think you’d spill all the beans on your perfect man. Oh, I forgot. You ate the beans, too, and he got offended when you passed a little natural gas.
Ladies, I love men. They’re Gods gift to women. Sure the gift gets a bit worn with use. You have to replace the batteries and keep it clean, but once you buy it, it’s yours. Sure, you can try to return it by breaking up, separating or divorcing, but the simple fact is that those used goods will always have a connection to you. You can always clear up a bad connection, but the memory of it will stay with you as long as you breathe.
Remember black and white television? There was no confusion. It was right in your face. All men looked the same. The all had the same qualities and the same faults. Not much we had to deal with then. Just take your pick and work it out. Then while a brilliant person was asleep (I mean no disrespect) he came up with the idea of Technicolor, and we women jumped on the bandwagon. We took it a step further and began Dreaming In Perfecta-Vision. What imbeciles! Lying down with our eyes closed and waking up with a perfect man. Hilarious!
Have you ever noticed how great things are when you’re asleep? And then the alarm clock buzzes abruptly. When you wake up all those thoughts that attacked your mind should remain on the pillow until you return. The dreams really want to stay and relax. They need to rest up in order to give you a full dose of what you desire, but no-no, you want a perfect man, so you take the thoughts with you. Dreams are like cotton candy. Tasty, but easily dissolvable. Fluff is cute, but never everlasting.
Ladies, in order to better cohabitate with men we have to see them for who they really are. If a man chokes down his food on the first date, chances are he has doggish ways, not that he was simply hungry. If a man says more than once that he’s lazy and only desires work where he sits on his behind, chances are he’s telling the truth. Don’t expect that man to do any cleaning around the house. Do expect him to clean his rump and leave the bathroom duties for you.
This bit was written to enlighten you. It’s not a bill waiting to be signed by Congress, so don’t think my words have to be followed. Not that many of the laws introduced by Congress are that wonderful, but we voted for the members so I’ll keep going. You can’t close your eyes and color in your world. If you do, when you open them don’t expect to see hues of beauty, or to be rescued by a fool that can’t find a library to borrow a book about fairytales for some tips. Movies that were once in black and white and are now in color look ridiculous. Just imagine what Dreaming In Perfecta-Vision looks like in the real world.
Wanda D. Hudson is the author of Wait For Love: A Black Girl’s Story, which will be released in January of 2006. She is also the author of It’s a Woman’s World, a collection of erotic stories available via ebook on eXtasy Books. Miss Hudson is the fabulously talented stand up comedian known as Miss WandaLuv. She can be reached at wanda_d_hudson@yahoo.com.
http://wandasway.blogspot.com
http://extasybooks.com
By Guest Blogger Jewel Diamond Taylor
The 5 Stages of Grief were defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying."
The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional and an individual process that can never be "one size fits all." The five stages are:
1. Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
3. Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
4. Depression (I don't care anymore)
5. Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
When divorce or a breakup happens, it is still a loss even though someone didn't die. You will still go through a grief process to heal. In my "How to Love with a Smart Heart" relationships seminars and my grief seminars "New Chapers" I share the following 5 stages of grief women and men go through when a breakup or divorce happens:
1. Denial - Oh, he/she will call --- he/she is just busy---we've been together so long --- it can't be over --- I don't "see" any red flags.
2. Anger - how dare he/she do this to me! - -- after all I've given and sacrificed. Who does he think he is? I feel like a fool! I want revenge. I want him/her to hurt like I hurt.
3. Bargaining - Can't we at least be friends? --- ok I'll do whatever you want.
4. Depression - I can't breathe - I can't get up - I'm staring at the phone, I can't eat - I can't think - what did I do wrong? - what's wrong with me?
5. Acceptance - My faith, self- esteem and courage are restored. Sometimes you love and sometimes you learn. Even though it hurts so bad, I must remember that everyone hurts in some way. I don't have to live like a victim. My emotional maturity happens when I learn to live with some unanswered questions. It is -- what it is - -- and I'm ready to get back into life. I will not let these negative fears and emotions ruin and control my life. I still may have some hard days ahead but I will rise above this. I can't control what others do or feel but I can control how I respond to this closing chapter in my life story. I'm taking my power and self- respect back. Better days are ahead. Peace and joy are important for my healing. I deserve more and I'm ready to let the light back into my life. I am a beautiful, whole, divine and precious child of God. I'm a good person and I won't let this experience hurt me anymore because I see now --- that what I thought was rejection --- is really God's protection --- leading me in a new direction. Hallelujah!!!!!
"It don't hurt anymore. All my teardrops are dried. No more walkin' the floor with that burnin' inside -- just to think it could be. Time has opened the door and at last I am free. I don't hurt anymore. No use to deny I wanted to die the day you said we were through. But now that I find you're out of my mind, I can't believe that it's true. I've forgotten somehow that I cared so before and it's wonderful now I don't hurt anymore" - song "I don't hurt anymore" by Martina McBride
Read more about healing the "Relationship Blues"
http://www.jeweldiamondtaylor.com/relationshipblues2.htm
Jewel Diamond Taylor, Motivational Speaker and Author Speaker, Conference, Workplace Training, Retreat, Church, Campus 323.964.1736 4195 Chino Hills Pkwy Chino Hills CA 91709 e-mail - JewelMotivates@aol.com http:www.DoNotGiveUp.net http://www.womenonthegrow.com/
By Guest Blogger Linda "Princess Dominique" Grosvenor
I remember my first kiss. Not that delicate lip to lip thing that we're all eager to experiment with in kindergarten before we learn to put up boundaries to ward off the opposite sex, but beyond that. I mean I remember the exact moment in time when a boy pulled me close and laid it on me, thick, sweet and heavy in that slow, yet deeply pressed way. I had always been a really shy girl with four huge plaits on my head, sometimes with pink ribbons but oftentimes without, but for me kissing was the most whimsical discovery I had ever made. I was in the back seat of my uncle's car riding to Brooklyn alongside a boy he was keeping for the weekend. The boy sat in the seat next to me, glanced over at me, smiled and asked if I knew what French kissing was. Immediately I thought it was kissing done in France and that the geographical locale alone is what made it French kissing, but being that I was older than he was, I just nodded and said, "yes." "So, let's French kiss," he said. He was cute, curly hair, brown skin, but I shook my head because I was sure that my uncle could see us from the mirror and I didn't want to get in trouble. Sure enough he persisted and I relented and although confused at first, I slowly, surely took a liking to the way the French did things. I was hooked! Needless to say we both enjoyed it so much that we kept at it for the rest of the ride and finally got caught, but oh, what memories I could string together based on kissing alone. Discovering it not only changed my life, but the way I loved and shortly after became the berometer of worthiness for any man who dared cross my path.
Linda "Princess Dominique" Grosvenor is the author of several novels and an acclaimed collection of poetry and hosts her an online version of her show at: www.ThePrincessDominiqueShow.com.
By Guest Blogger Jacqueline Moore
Now it’s time to talk about us single women. Now I won’t ask how many of you have never been married. There is something I want to ask and that is how many of you unmarried women are still virgins? Does that question make you uncomfortable? Well it should. Since there is nothing we can do about our past, let’s talk about our present and our future.
Many of you would like to believe that it’s important to find out how good your man is in bed before you decide if he’s someone, you may want to marry someday. In this day and age, too often we decide to sleep with a man almost as soon as we meet him, even before we know anything else about him.
Yes, I did say we. I too have been caught up in the moment. And I will be honest with you; the passion does increase, as we get older. We are all too willing to give men our greatest gift, ourselves, before we even find out if he is going to be the man who will become our husbands.
We go through men like we do pantyhose. We try them on and find out if they fit or not and then discard them when we find a snag or a run in them. Now many of you may want to say, that God’s view on the sanctity of the marriage bed is outdated. Well you may believe that to be true. However, the reality of our sleeping around, is that it’s just another excuse that we use to feed into our low self-esteem. It’s another excuse for allowing men to take advantage of our essence. Our spirit and our souls. Our very hearts.
The Lord only wants us to love one another in the truest sense. Too often, we confuse lust with love. It’s just another way that we are destroying ourselves, our families, our value systems.
We give men excuses for not being faithful to us. Too many of us are willing to compromise our bodies and ourselves for a moment of pleasure. Is a moment of pleasure worth risking being separated from God for all eternity?
Ladies, how many of you read fairytales growing up? How many of you noticed that the girl always got her prince charming and lived happily ever after? Well have I got news for you. Life is not a fairytale. Stop waiting for your prince charming. He ain’t coming.
Now this may sound contradictory, but we have to learn to take care of ourselves. Even those of you who are married. Some may argue this point and say that it goes against what God says about being submissive to your husbands, but in essence, when we learn to take care of ourselves, we are taking some of the burden off of our husbands.
Now this is not an excuse for your husband to neglect his responsibilities, nor is it a reason for you to try to rule over your husband. It is only for the well-being of you, your husband and your household that you are able to handle your families business. It is only for the well-being of your husband that you be able to stand in his place in his absence.
Ladies, for those of you who are not married, who else is going to take care of you? Your parents? Your boyfriend? Who? Reality check. You may never get married. There will come a day when you have to move out of your parent’s house, and/or the day will come when your parents will not be able to take care of themselves. We must learn to be independent.
No one wants a woman who can’t do anything. No one wants a woman who has to be taken care of. You are not that cute. Even if beauty got you a husband remember, beauty is fleeting. Would you want to wake up at the ripe old age of fifty and realize that you do not know how to take care of yourself and that you are all alone?
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1
Jacqueline Moore and her two sons, James and Joseph reside in Detroit Michigan. They are members of New St. Mark Baptist Church under the leadership of Sr. Pastor, Larry Smith. Jackie is currently pursuing her undergraduate degree in religion and offers spiritual words of encouragement daily on her website www.virtuousliving.com.
By Guest Blogger Tzynya Pinchback
I am no wallflower or greeting card cliché. I am, however, a hopeless romantic who happens to be a tad bit commitment-phobic, jaded and nostalgic.
I need the clever pillow talk, kisses in the rain, picnics in the tub, hundreds of emails about absolutely nothing. It’s the ‘til death do us part’ I can’t quite grasp.
But put down your rose petals and slip that slow jams compilation CD back into your pocket. Any man engaged in the task of seducing me into frenzy better bring his *A* game, ‘cuz this passion junkie does not woo easily.
Can you chisel the glyph symbol for love in the tree next to my window?
Massage my feet with black lava stones while lying naked by a river in the mountains? Braid my hair and debate the significance of existentialism on Black expatriates during the Harlem Renaissance?
If you answered no, then you might as well pack it up playa and head home.
You would think with all my romantic notions I would have found my soul mate by now. I have, a few times and they were all equally fantastical:
The 50 year old freedom fighter
The 23 year old trumpet player
The Georgia boy
The ex husband
The New York editor
The architect
I’ve even managed to fall in love with the same man twice, five years apart.
A great deal of poetry has formed out of my desire and disdain for these *soul mates*.
So I cleverly laid them out on paper, wrapping them in ink, metaphor and the numbing silence of being crushed between the covers of a closed chapter.
Sleep well my dears.
California native, Tzynya Pinchback is the author of Gypsy: Courtesan in Poem and Prose, and co-author of The Bitter X Wives, scheduled for release in 2006. Tzynya serves as literary erotica columnist (MindSkin) for Chaotic Dreams Online (www.chaoticdreams.net) and contributing writer to the anthology In Katrina's Wake. Tzynya is a Proposal Writer living in Atlanta with her 8 year old daughter.
Blog (www.tzynya1.bravejournal.com)
Web (www.tzynya.com)
By Guest Blogger Sylvia Hubbard
Why is that so hard to say to another human being?
When our pet gets on our nerve or becomes an inconvenience we can just drop it off at the Humane Society or get rid of it.
Although we can’t drop our mate off at the Humane Society, unfortunately, we are not abruptly honest with them when our emotions wane for how we feel about them.
I mean at least when we get rid of the pet we’re telling them right out I don’t want you in my life anymore.
So why do we keep men (or women) hanging on? Why can’t we drop them like a bad habit?! Why is it so easy to say I love you, but so hard to say I don’t love you anymore?
You may excuse your admittance by saying that: You don’t want to hurt him/her feelings.
Yet because you feel the way you do – the lack of love you have for them – it’s easy for you to thoughtlessly hurt their feelings, cause frustrations in their lives, disrespectfully treat them like crap and verbally tear them down. You cheat on them; lie to them and you do whatever you have to do to not spend time with them.
Wouldn’t it be just easy to say I don’t love you anymore?
Jamie Foxx’s break up movie was almost eloquent in the art of breaking up. There are rules people should follow amidst a departure, but bottom line do it as soon as you feel you don’t want to be with that person anymore.
I don’t want to be anywhere I’m not wanted, valued, cherished or loved.
I’d rather you tell me those words then continuously leave me holding on as if things were going to get better.
Don’t do me any favors anymore in not hurting my feelings. Just say it: You don’t love me anymore!
Detroit Native, Sylvia Hubbard is author of Stone’s Revenge, founder of Motown Writers Network and single mother of three. A romantic suspense writer, she has two blogs. One is a story blog (http://sylviahubbard.blogspot.com/) and the other is her journal blog called How To Love a Black Woman (http://loveablackwoman.blogspot.com/) In 2006, she’ll be releasing her newest erotic intrigue book, Mistaken Identity, worldwide. Her website is: http://sylviahubbard.com/.
Dearest Handsome,
Is it all a farce?
A devilish ploy, designed and passed down through a wicked fraternal tradition, to make an innocent succumb to the perils of premarital sex and other various faux relationship woos.
Am I your toy?
Your ultimate conquest?
Make her whimper-fall prey to the big bad wolf? Am I this said prey that has beeen once hunted in pure play in hunt of a quick thrill?
Is this deviant and ill-composed ‘chase’ really worth future heartache of another?
Are you playing me?
What is it you desire?
My sex?
My squeals from intimacy induced dances?
I plead in lack of angst or even in seek of anything else beyond pure curiosity derived from my deep skepticism, grave fear and horrific past heartbreak.
What is it that you want from me?
Woman to man—
Straight with no chaser
I present to you in all of my nakedness. My truth.
Will you let me be...let me free…leave me...
If it is so—that your intentions are tainted for other desires than love.
If you seek a lover—solely and purposefully please let it be known and save me another grudgingly heartache at the expense of my dignity.
Let me be.
If you seek a buzz—a quick sexual jolt, an exchange of temporary ecstasy—be loud with your tongue and speak your rendition of the truth. I will listen.
Do you not aspire all of my essence in which enthralls one and weaves a collage of passions and whimsical tales of wanderlust?
You see...and I whisper this from within so mark my honesty with my life and the life of my unborn.
I like divinely, adore intensely and love immensely.
That’s my hand of truth—in all is bare so I plead in earnest repertoire,
For you to reveal your earthy intentions with me. My affair. My adulation. My love
Confess now, let it generously, and mercifully unfold...
Is it, indeed all a farce, as it was softly, from above, undoubtedly told?
To me. About you.
What is it that you seek?
Dearest Beautiful...
I feel as though you mistake me for another. For I seek what most men and
some women for that matter, take for granted. In my experience(s), I've come
across women who fear what feels right. They run from good intentions and
efforts that say, I do, I will, for always, forever...
I could never imagine nor fathom the idea of placing my heart on the line
only to present to you a false image of the future. That to me is a waste of
time that would only serve the purpose of leaving us both exhausted. Sure,
unforseeable things happen between two people but it's always been my belief
that once a man is blessed with commitment from a woman, that's when the
real fun begins...
A toy or a quick thrill?
Dearest, as I said, you mistake me for another. I see and even know many who play such games to fulfill what you accuse me of. At times because of disappointments in my own relationships, I too have considered going that route. To become a man interested only in quick thrills, mindless pursuits and efforts where paydirt is another notch on my
manhood. Crazy thing though; I once discovered what I'd always believed in my heart to be true and you know what that is? In a committed relationship, love gets better; it has
purpose and the sex? Very hot! Within the realms of commitment, a man is blessed
with the opportunity to learn all of your pleasure zones from head to toe; physically and mentally... I crave that sort of committed exploration.
Man to woman-
I present to you my own nakedness and truth for everyday I fight the very
same skepticism that you carry so close to your heart. This feeling which
causes you to doubt and question a man before he can even utter words like
"how are you today?" It hurts my heart to have that which I refer to as the
most beautiful blessing on earth(Woman) convict me without so much as having
the courage to investigate my heart on a personal level.
That question you place before me; "what is it you want from me?"
I sigh whenever I hear it. My adult life flashes before my eyes because it conjures up the disappointments that I too have suffered under the guise of love. I dont fear trying again but I do fear that after you've witnessed the ease in which I'm willing to share my heart and soul, you will then take it for granted or run because it's not what you've become accustomed to when dealing with a man.
What is it that I seek?
A chance without early conviction... Run from me if I treat you wrong or curse me out but if I show to you sincerity, passion, kindness, comfort, support, honesty, and a desire to build something together based solely on the merits of my actions; reward me with your own sincerity. Don't run if I treat you right... Don't walk away from the possibility that forever could potentially be right here with me... I'm not afraid. I dream about it all the time...
====================================
Sharon "Shaye" Gray is Sr. Editor of Bahiyah Woman Magazine, www.BWMmag.com She is also the Co-Founder of Essentially Women Writing Group, and co owns Eve's Literary Services with Lorraine Elzia. Ms. Gray works full time as a high school teacher and part time as an evening instructor for adult education; she has her B.A in English and Master's degree in Public Administration. Currently, she is pursuing her Doctorate degree in Higher Educational Leadership with an emphasis in Adult Education. Presently, Sharon Gray resides in Maryland and is working on several literary projects. You may visit her site at www.essentiallywomen.net/Eve
V. Anthony Rivers is the author of Daughter By Spirit and Everybody Got Issues and the upcoming My Life Is All I Have. He has also contributed to various anthologies including; Sistergirls.com, Chocolate Flava, Truth Be Told, and Love Is Never Painless. A native of Los Angeles, California he currently resides in Van Nuys, Ca.
Blog: http://vanthonyrivers.blogspot.com
Website: www.vanthonyrivers.com
Email: Romeodream@aol.com
