Do you believe in love at first sight? In the book, My Invisible Husband, Nikki is immediately attracted to Byron even though she wouldn't admit it. Some would say, it was love at first sight.
I've seen surveys that both men and women believe there is "love at first sight" and in fact, I asked this question recently to a few males and out of the males asked, 95 percent agreed that "love at first sight" exists.
I'm a hopeless romantic and would love to meet a man and him and I instantly fall in love like in the movies or some of the romance stories I write. But it has yet to happen to me. I've been in "lust at first sight."
The "Nikki" questions this week: Have you ever experienced "love at first sight?" If so, are you still with that love or did it fizzle because it was more "lust" at first sight instead?
Prenuptial agreements are not just for the rich. If you have property such as a home, possibility of inheriting property, own your own business, help put a spouse through school, or a spouse helps put you through school, etc. a prenupt might be something you would want to consider. A prenupt protects both parties involved.
Women these days are making just as much (if not more) money than men, so getting a prenupt before marriage isn't just something to benefit the man anymore. Grant it, the mention of "prenupt" might make a man or woman run away. Especially if they feel that the mere idea of one is a sign that the relationship isn't as solid as it should be or that the party requesting the other person to sign one doesn't believe "in their love" enough. A prenupt isn't personal, it's business. It's a way to protect yourself. In the ideal world, "Until death do us part" would be true 100 percent of the time, but unfortunately divorce does happen--especially if relationships are based on false pretenses.
The "Nikki" questions this week: Do you believe in prenupts? What if you are the one with the money or potential to make a lot of money? Should it be the deciding factor on whether or not you marry?
Nikki, got involved with a lot of "wrong men" because she kept dating "her type."
How many times have you dated someone because you considered them to be "your type?" Sometimes people get involved with "their type" and then the relationship doesn't work. They again find another person with the same qualities they consider "their type" and end up in another dead end relationship. Well if YOUR TYPE is not working out, maybe you need to change your criteria of what you're looking for in a mate, because maybe "your type" isn't working for you.
Women, if you only date men who are over 30 but younger than 35, you may be short changing yourself. The man for you might be 36 or 29. What if the man for you is a "blue collar" worker instead of part of the "white collar" world? Shouldn't him being a hard worker, making an honest living count for something? Do you only date men who are tall versus short? Your Mr. Right, might be in a smaller package.
Men, you say you don't want a "gold-digger" but are you really looking beneath the surface or do you only want a showpiece? Most women are independent, so men are you able to deal with the whole woman? If you treat her right, she will allow you to be the "king" in her world.
The "Nikki" questions this week: Are we too judgmental when it comes to looking for "our type?" What are some things you "just can't do without" in a potential mate?
Nikki Montana at one point in her life possessed some of the characteristics that some of us do. During her quest for finding the right man, she's run into all types, with the end results being the same--a bad relationship.
Like Nikki, in the past, I found that my natural instinct has been to play the role of rescuer, but I stopped. If I would have stopped sooner it would have saved me a lot of energy and heartbreak.
Below is a list of five traits that I've seen either in myself or in friends. They are traits that you should avoid: If you see yourself as one of these, it's time to reevaluate and break an unhealthy cycle. If I can do it, anyone can.
The Rescuer - Do you find yourself trying to rescue a man from this or that and most of the time himself? Enough already.
The Nurturer - Are you his mama? No, so why play the dual role of lover/mama...sounds perverted doesn't it...so stop.
The Warden - Okay, now don't get mad, but having your man on a strict schedule sounds like there are trust issues. If you have to monitor his every move, then maybe he's not the man for you.
The Dog Catcher - Bow wow...need I say more...you know he's a dog, he was dating three other women when you met him, but you still allow him into your heart.
The Landlord - Time is precious. Have fun, but be wise. Why let someone rent space in your heart when you know they are not the one.
I'm sure there are other traits I could touch on. Fellows, if you’re reading this, this also applies to you. We don’t need to be rescued (then again, we do want our knight in shining armor…smile).
The "Nikki" question this week: Have you ever been one of the 5 above? What advice would you give someone trying to break an unhealthy cycle?
When does fiction become reality? Since I wrote My Invisible Husband, I've received emails from women who admit to being tired of people always in their business. Although Nikki took it to the extreme, they found the story humorous and made them laugh at their own situations.
Imagine my surprise that the fiction world that I created was someone's actual reality. The email read: "My best friend did the fake wedding thing in Vegas! The guy decided he didn't want to after she'd told her entire family, friends and co-workers."
After I received the email, I was intrigued. I wanted to get into the mind of the woman who went through with it. The fictional character Nikki did it because she was insecure and did it for the sake of appearances. As the novel suggests, lying is not the answer and this true-life story will vouch for that.
The woman who faked the wedding unfortunately is dealing with a lot emotionally from the real life charades. When asked to interview, she was afraid that her identity would be given away and would be too embarrassed if people found out the truth. The best friend however did agree to talk to me about it in more details. She's not afraid to use her real name, however she respects her friends privacy, so for the interview I agreed to use a pseudonym- Jackie Boston.
Thank you Jackie for this interview.
Shelia Goss: How does the novel My Invisible Husband relate to your real life?
Jackie Boston: Unfortunately, my best friend 'faked' a marriage to a man she'd been shacking, living in common law or whatever one would call it. They always went on vacations, so when they went to Las Vegas, no flags went up. I thought they were going to gamble, relax and do some relationship bonding. When she came back, she said that they'd been married. I didn't believe her. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for her or anything. It was just weird that my best friend had gotten married and hadn't mentioned it to me. I relaxed about it when she said they wanted to surprise everybody. For such a special occasion, my man and I would have flown over to Vegas, especially since our men had been best friends since childhood.
Shelia: How long did your friend's charade take place before she told you? Are you the only one she told?
Jackie: A year passed before she actually told me. There were a few times, after fights they'd have, that she eluded to it but never flat out until there was no way out of it. I could tell that what ever it was she wanted to tell me was really serious but she just couldn't find the words or strength to say it. I'd do the 'worse scenario' guessing game but never was this one of my guesses.
Shelia: How did this affect your friendship? Have you been forced to lie to people too?
Jackie: Well, since this was already so devastating that she'd gone through such measures to protect her fabricated marital bliss, I just supported her. I told her I understood. She asked if I was mad about it. An added slap to her devastation is she'd told her father that she'd gotten married and two weeks later, he passed. She felt bad since she'd lied to him. That's when I realized the seriousness of this sticky situation. I realized the effects her lie had on me as well.
I was planning a post-wedding shower, maybe a small reception in our backyard. I started calling and pricing landscapers. Here in Boston, you have to wait until the season is right for that so it never happened, thank God for that. We did purchase expensive champagne and paid for a horse and carriage ride through the city on Valentines Day for them for the occasion and a small wedding gift for the time being though.
I started questioning my own relationship as a result though. My guy and I had been together much longer and were nowhere near marriage. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough or something since one friend had and the other hadn't. This had me really questioning myself. I knew that I was giving my relationship a 100% and felt under appreciated since my man hadn't asked my hand in marriage.
In many ways I'm forced to hold my tongue when discussions of marriage arise around our mutual friends. I listen as she speaks of her 'husband' and all of the wonderful things he does for her. When those mutual friends turn to me and say, "It's your turn next," and she agrees with them, it's a bit uncomfortable, especially when I'm the 'only' one of the group not married, per se.
I cringed and could barely hold my tongue when one day someone from the group made a wise crack insinuating that there must be something 'wrong' with anyone that is still single. Or that married women should not hang out with single friends-like single women are jealous and prey on their 'good husbands.'
Shelia: Did she tell you why she did it?
Jackie: Yes! That was offered right away. She said her man asked her to and assured her that they'd get married at a later date after some personal issues were resolved. All too soon, the arguments started and they were thinking of splitting. I offered my opinions, like friends do. I told her, "At least you're married and won't be coming out with nothing, the way I would if and when my common law relationship ended. You'll probably get to keep the property as well as contents plus proceeds from your business."
This revelation started my own personal hell all over again. It was a reality check for my own situation. I actually left my common law marriage for that and many other reasons. I'm laughing here because I recall saying to her, "My relationship is doomed anyway. I wasn't raised to live with a man like this. I do know better and shouldn't expect it to work because it hadn't been blessed by God, like yours has."
She never said don't leave him if that's what you're basing it on because we're not actually married.
Shelia: Has she discussed with you how she plans on getting out of the situation?
Jackie: Since then, she's left him and certainly with good reason. Her plans are to endure his 'emotional abuse' just to save face. She has stipulations he has to satisfy; the main one is that they actually get married.
She pretends that she is this strong woman that no longer needed/wanted the clutches of marriage. However, behind the scene, she's praying that he will marry her to abolish the lies.
Shelia: What advice would you give others who have lied about relationships just to appease other folks?
Jackie: After experiencing this situation through my friends eyes and a few of my own crumbled relationships, I'd say just be real. Lies will come to light one day; one- way or another. The stress from the conniving is not worth your dignity, sanity and most of all, relationships with friends and relatives. Once discovered, you are labeled as a liar, but now, an insane liar. Self-dignity is well worth preserving.
If there are children involved, get yourself some help. Let your therapist know that you have a problem with pretentiousness. He/she will help guide you through a series of issues that you must have within that need immediate resolution before you destroy your children along with yourself.
Jackie, thank you again. Quite honestly, I was shocked when you first emailed me about your friend's situation. But I've learned one person's fiction is another person's reality.
Jackie's best friend faked a Las Vegas wedding. In My Invisible Husband, the fictional character, Nikki Montana, faked a Las Vegas wedding.
The "Nikki" question this week is How far would you go to please your family and friends?
There will be a few changes this year on the blog. We’ll still be discussing relationships, books, or whatever else is on your mind.
I'll be counting down to the re-release of my novel My Invisible Husband. It's a possibility that the book cover will change. For those of you who didn’t get the self-published copy, you’ll have a chance to get the new version when it’s released later on this year. The countdown is on.
Postings will be once a week on Mondays so set your calendars (smile). Although Nikki is a fictional character, some of the things she faces in the book are things that other women are facing as well. The goal this year is to make this blog more interactive with you the readers, so each Monday, a “Nikki dilemma", rant or rave will be posted. You’ll have all week to post your comments. You never know who will stop by. I will be seeking guest bloggers throughout the year.
Let’s have fun this year.