Have you ever broken up with a guy and then days, weeks, or months later gotten back together? Did anything change that second time around? As I look back on the times that I went back to an ex, I realize now that in most cases, it was a huge mistake. After awhile, one or both of us was back to doing whatever it was that caused us to break up in the first place.
There was a time I was "so in love" with this particular guy that we had this on again/off again relationship for a few years. The last and final time we broke up, I FINALLY realized that he was like a bad habit--hard to get rid of. To break that unhealthy cycle, I couldn't put the blame on him, but did some self-reflection. I had to love me more and realize that it was unhealthy to be in a "yo-yo" type relationship. It wasn't easy at first, but one day became a week and the next thing you know--it's years later.
I don't regret the decision I made to end things with him that final time because once I let go and didn't allow him back into my life, my life was so much better. He had not months, but several years to show me that he was the man for me. Although he supposedly was hurting when I made that decision to end it, he no longer tried to convince me othewise.
I've been in other relationships since then and there were times I was tempted to GO BACK with an EX, but I didn't. One lesson I learned is that AN EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON and should remain an EX.
I know it's easier in this day and age to deal with someone you have history with than meeting someone new. With someone new, you don't know what you're going to get. But then on the other hand, with an EX, you do know what you're getting and remember there's a reason why they are an EX. So is it really worth your peace of mind, just to say that you're in a relationship? If I were to answer for myself, I would say "NO." Being free of an EX is freeing you up to learn more about yourself--taking time to love yourself more--and possibly opening the door for love from the person that God has for you.
The Nikki questions of the week: Have you ever gone back with an ex? Did things change the second time around for better or worse? If you had to do it all over again, would you have not gone back?
is something I wrote this morning after getting a disturbing email this morning. Funny how folks find you when it's convenient for them. Anyway, enjoy...Shelia
...Folks start writing tabloid stuff about you.
...You have long lost relatives appear that you knew nothing of last year.
...Your so called friends finally start returning your phone calls and emails.
...Your bank calls you to find out how you're doing.
...You're supposed to have a long lost child but how could you when you've never been pregnant.
...You can drive out of the dealership with an expensive car without insurance.
...You're suddenly getting invited to all of the "in parties" when before you couldn't buy your way in.
...You have your own posse...as if you can't go anywhere by yourself.
...Your high school crush appears and claims he's had a crush on you too all these years.
... and the #1 reason why you know you've made it...when You go into an expensive boutique or store and get free stuff that you now can afford.
--List created by Author Shelia M Goss (http://www.sheliagoss.com/)
This topic was originally posted last week. It seems the conversation is getting good, so I'll leave it up again for the week of April 17th. Read on...
I was reading this article by Natlie Krinsky that someone emailed me. The subject of the article was about the dating games men and women play. It made me wonder, why do we even have to play games with one another anyway.
The article gave several examples of how playing this dating game would entice the opposite sex to be even more attracted to you.
For example, for the ladies, she mentions, "Never give out your number, even to guys you like;" Instead get their's. I agree with that.
The article goes on to say that "You don't always have to be yourself." I totally disagree with that statement. I don't believe in playing games. Be real and get real results.
Are we getting the fake version of a person when we're dating? Is that why men and women both say after being with someone for sometime that the person changed?
A player is someone who is used to playing games and he or she uses the moves they think will give them the upperhand on their prey. Grant it, no one wants to get hurt and you should protect yourself, but still there are no reasons to "play games."
To avoid a lot of frustrations, if people are REAL with one another, it would eliminate some of the heartache and frustrations we go through.
The character Nikki in My Invisible Husband is a master game player. She got so caught up in her web of deceit, that she even begin to believe the lies.
I truly believe that if you are real with people, then you will get real results. Either that person will accept you at face value or move along.
The Nikki questions of the week: Do you "keep it real" in your relationships or are you a game player? Why or why not?
This week's topic comes from a regular visitor of the blog. She'll remain anonymous, unless she decides to reveal herself.
Why is it people will blast a woman who is obviously hurting and say: "That's why you don't have a man." It's as if they think saying those words will make them feel less worthy without a man. In my opinion how is that helping the matter by slinging such hurtful words at an obviously hurting person. Funny how hard we are on women. Yet, you hardly ever hear: "That's why you don't have a woman," and have it sting for a man.
Sometimes single women are made to feel bad and like it's the end of the world unless they have a man in their lives. If it was that easy, I would assume most women who want to be in a loving healthy relationship would be in one. But news flash--it's not that easy.
I got put on blast about a month or so ago from an elder and although I played it off, I did feel a little embarassed that they were talking about--"We're going to find her husband" in front of a lot of people.
Out of respect for my elder, I just gave a fake smile and saved what I had to say to my cousins later.
People assume one thing without really knowing your history. If it was up to me, I would have met my "Mr. Right for Me" a long time ago and we would be living in our nice home with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids and a dog. But as of right now, God has other plans for me.
Fortunately, I've gotten beyond what other folks have to say about my singlehood. But I do also admit that sometimes those comments can hurt. It will make a woman start reflecting on themselves--asking questions like--what's wrong with me? Why don't I have somebody? and the list can go on.
Feeling like that and talking to other women that are also single led me to write My Invisible Husband. Because sometimes people feel telling a lie is better than folks knowing the truth. But I'm here to tell you to stand by the truth at all times--what God has for you will be for you. Everyone is not meant to be in a relationship, nor is every woman meant to have children. So don't allow those things to affect how you feel about yourself.
When we've experienced bad relationships and talk about those, with hopes of not repeating the same cycle, then some folks (especially men) want to say that we're bitter. At this junction in a woman's life, she should know what she will or will not put up with in any current or future relationship.
Just for the few men that read the blog, I am not male bashing. Only stating things from a woman's point of view. Hearing from you guys is important because we need to have open dialogue. Encourage open dialogue among your peers with women and then maybe men won't feel that women are male bashing when we discuss you guys.
The Nikki question of the week: Why are women called "BITTER" if they express how they feel about relationships? Men rarely are called bitter.