My Invisible Husband

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My Invisible Husband

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Dreaming In Perfecta-Vision
By Guest Blogger Wanda D. Hudson

True love, does it exist? Everlasting love, is it a reality? The white horse, the golden carriage, the wedding bouquet, or the garter belt that is tossed into your desperately sweaty needing hands, are those the things that tag along with a soul mate? Why of course they belong if you’ve imagined your perfect relationship while you were asleep. I think that’s the problem. The sleeping aspect.

The days of arranged marriages weren’t perfect. Who dreamed that up? Mail order brides. Someone definitely fell asleep while printing out those flyers. A perfect nights sleep will wake you up feeling refreshed. Sleeping while planning a perfect relationship makes your wake up call similar to one of a high-pitched American Idol losing rooster. Irritating.

Didn’t you hear? The Prince in Sleeping Beauty left her for Snow White. It had something to do with Beauty being tired all the time and living in a land of make believe. Snow White knew how to party, having been with seven men and all, seven short men, but sometimes we make the mistake of taking what you can get. Basically, it’s time to wake up if you want a functional relationship!

Is it fair to halt the happiness of a friend when they exclaim, “I’ve found the perfect one for me!” Yes! Do them and yourself a big favor, yell STOP! They say never ask the advice of a single woman. They’re nothing but bitter. Ha! Idiots I tell ya! Every one of the doubters. You’re single for an excellent reason. You’ve stopped falling asleep at the wheel and saved yourself from a head on collision with a broken-shifted sports car. Who wants to be involved with a sports car anyway? They’re all about the quickie. Everything with them is rush, rush, rush. Speeding throughout your every move is tiresome. Besides, you never feel the full effect of what you’re after, but that sports car is satisfied every time.

It is your duty, your mastered right as an elder on the subject, to prevent the inexperienced from making a mistake. Divorce Court. The show is entertainment, but do you really want your love life to be entertaining to others? If you’re not in search of publicity stay away from the example of the old school Elizabeth Taylor, and for the hipsters, Jennifer Lopez. Walking down the aisle over and over makes your clothing dingy. You know it’s not getting a thorough cleansing if you continue to use it year after year. Do you want to look like the little nasty kid in Peanuts? Dancing around with a fake smile on and kicking up dust? Yuck. Wake up!

This piece is strictly for the ladies. We seem to be the ones most inclined to make a fool out of ourselves in search of LOVE.

“Ooooh, how dreamy his eyes are.”

“Look at his triceps and biceps. His body is delicious.”

“He always opens car doors for me and every door we enter together.”

“He paid for me a new outfit.”

“Oh, this hairstyle? Mr. Perfect paid for it.”

“He’s so wonderful. He bought me flowers and candy.”

Add the sentence where he used those dreamy eyes to look at your girlfriend’s cleavage. Why is he in the gym so much working on that body with a female personal trainer? Aren’t you going to tell us how he forgot about you on the passenger’s side when someone dinged his door? Road rage while parked. There’s nothing wrong with the Goodwill, but geez, do you really want to wear a passed down duster to the movie theater? Don’t forget about the hairstyle. He wants a woman with long silky locs and you’re trying to con him with your baby bald self. Mr. Perfect gave you thirty dollars for a wash and set, with much attitude might I add, and you used your cable bill money of one hundred and fifty dollars to cover the cost of the extra weave. Tell us about how he frowned when you gained a few pounds from eating the candy? Uh, huh. I didn’t think you’d spill all the beans on your perfect man. Oh, I forgot. You ate the beans, too, and he got offended when you passed a little natural gas.

Ladies, I love men. They’re Gods gift to women. Sure the gift gets a bit worn with use. You have to replace the batteries and keep it clean, but once you buy it, it’s yours. Sure, you can try to return it by breaking up, separating or divorcing, but the simple fact is that those used goods will always have a connection to you. You can always clear up a bad connection, but the memory of it will stay with you as long as you breathe.

Remember black and white television? There was no confusion. It was right in your face. All men looked the same. The all had the same qualities and the same faults. Not much we had to deal with then. Just take your pick and work it out. Then while a brilliant person was asleep (I mean no disrespect) he came up with the idea of Technicolor, and we women jumped on the bandwagon. We took it a step further and began Dreaming In Perfecta-Vision. What imbeciles! Lying down with our eyes closed and waking up with a perfect man. Hilarious!

Have you ever noticed how great things are when you’re asleep? And then the alarm clock buzzes abruptly. When you wake up all those thoughts that attacked your mind should remain on the pillow until you return. The dreams really want to stay and relax. They need to rest up in order to give you a full dose of what you desire, but no-no, you want a perfect man, so you take the thoughts with you. Dreams are like cotton candy. Tasty, but easily dissolvable. Fluff is cute, but never everlasting.

Ladies, in order to better cohabitate with men we have to see them for who they really are. If a man chokes down his food on the first date, chances are he has doggish ways, not that he was simply hungry. If a man says more than once that he’s lazy and only desires work where he sits on his behind, chances are he’s telling the truth. Don’t expect that man to do any cleaning around the house. Do expect him to clean his rump and leave the bathroom duties for you.

This bit was written to enlighten you. It’s not a bill waiting to be signed by Congress, so don’t think my words have to be followed. Not that many of the laws introduced by Congress are that wonderful, but we voted for the members so I’ll keep going. You can’t close your eyes and color in your world. If you do, when you open them don’t expect to see hues of beauty, or to be rescued by a fool that can’t find a library to borrow a book about fairytales for some tips. Movies that were once in black and white and are now in color look ridiculous. Just imagine what Dreaming In Perfecta-Vision looks like in the real world.

Wanda D. Hudson is the author of Wait For Love: A Black Girl’s Story, which will be released in January of 2006. She is also the author of It’s a Woman’s World, a collection of erotic stories available via ebook on eXtasy Books. Miss Hudson is the fabulously talented stand up comedian known as Miss WandaLuv. She can be reached at

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