♥
My Invisible Husband
Friday, April 29, 2005
Victor,
I was married for 8 years. I am now divorced, bought my own home and was moving on. After some months, I started dating my X for 5 years+ and have tried to cut it off again. I don't have the same feelings for him. I want us to just be friends, but he is persistent. I want to date, but I'm afraid of the unknown. What am I to do?
Signed,
Victor Said...
Afraid,
Don’t be Scurd. Moving on from a marriage after it has faltered beyond repair is always difficult but there is something to be said for being brave enough to leave instead of wasting years wishing you had. If you are serious about placing a ‘just friends’ tag on your ex-husband, don’t send any mixed messages to keep him thinking there might be a chance of getting back together (stop sleeping with him), don’t be a shoulder to cry on when his joys turn to pain (stop sleeping with him), and don’t engage in married folks business… Stop sleeping with him!
From a clinical stand point, it takes 28 days to break a habit so use it to get him out of your system and out of your bed. I suggest you tell him that you’ll be unavailable for conversation, visits or contact over the next month. Mark your calendar and count your blessings because the only thing to fear is fear itself. You’ve made a decision to hit the ground running. Looking back all but guarantees you’ll stumble and fall over the same rough terrain you petitioned the state to divorce.
0 your rant or rave
One of my male friends told me he was tired of dealing with Drama Queens...well mister, it works both ways. Sometimes men can be, well let's say, they can have more drama than a drama-filled novel. Anyway, I came across this survey and decided to fill it out to see if I was considered a Drama Queen. Regardless of what it says y'all, I want you to know that I write about drama, I don't live it. :)
Why don't you take the quiz? Click on the link:
Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?
Don't forget to come back to my blog and let me know the results. I promise I won't write a story about you...lol
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2. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you’d like.
3. Don’t say, “I Love You”, unless you really mean it.
4. When you say, “I’m Sorry”, look the person in the eye, and mean it.
5. Be engaged at least 6 months before you get married.
6. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it’s the only way to live life completely.
7. In disagreements, fight fair. No name calling.
8. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
9. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
10. Call your Mom.
11. Say, “Bless You”, when you hear someone sneeze.
12. Don’t let a little squabble damage a good friendship.
13. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
14. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it your voice.
15. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, good conversation will be one of the principal elements of an enduring relationship.
16. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
17. Read more books, and watch less TV.
18. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
19. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
20. Mind your own business.
21. Trust in God.
--author unknown to me
2 your rant or rave
P.S. - Ladies, I think he's single too. But do your research.
4 your rant or rave
Surprisingly the majority of the men who took the survey didn't agree that any of the celebrity choices (Demi Moore, Gabrielle Union, Halle Berry, Jessica Simpson, Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox) were close to being their ideal woman. Makes me wonder, what qualities they are looking for. Hmm. I might have to send a question to Victor and find out.
Here are the other results.
2nd place Halle Berry
3rd place (tie) Queen Latifah and Jessica Simpson
None of the others received any votes.
0 your rant or rave
As I read the newspaper and watched the news this past weekend, I was astonished at some of the things we do "all in the name of love." Since the allegations against this Spanish Talk Show Host are said to be false, I won't mention her name here, but she admitted that she didn't use her best judgment because during this "alleged" period, she was in love with someone of not so good character.
Have you ever been involved with someone and you allowed them to control your actions/reactions? How many times have you cut off family or friends, because of the new person you're dating? If that person you're dating can't understand you had a life before them, then he or she is the wrong person.
Earlier today, I was listening to some old CDs, one being Janet Jackson's "Control" CD. It made me think about how we sometimes give up control of our lives to others without thinking. "Control" is a liberating song. It's about taking back control of your life. Whether it be quitting and starting a new job, or stop allowing people to dictate our lives, some form of control is needed.
If you're single, don't allow OTHERS to control what you do with your time. So what if you're not married. Apparently, you haven't met the right person yet. Or if you are dating someone, it might not be the right time. But regardless, don't allow others to CONTROL the outcome of your life. In the end, you'll be the one who has to suffer the consequences.
If you're married, don't allow OTHERS to control what goes on in your marriage. You know your mate better than anyone else (well let's hope...smile). When you get upset and complain to relatives or friends, be aware that they will give their opinions. But also keep in mind that when you make up with your mate, those same relatives and friends may still harp on the issue you discussed with them. Try to resolve your issues with your mate yourself when at all possible. Too many opinions, can lead to more problems.
You are in control of your own emotions. Don't give up that power. We as women, sometimes give up control too easily; especially in new relationships or potential relationships. There is no reason why you should be out of control wondering if a man loves you or not. His actions should show that.
One thing I've learned over the years, a person can only do to you what you allow them to do.
If you want to stop being the victim to a family member, friend, or your man, then you will have to take control. Initially, there may be some pain involved, but in the end, you'll be free and happier.
So, this week, take some CONTROL over your life.
2 your rant or rave
Friday, April 22, 2005
Victor,
I’ve been keeping up with your column and I find my self laughing at some of the submissions but always waiting for Friday to see what Victor said next. Now, I’m giving everyone a fair chance to laugh at me although I don’t think many will. I’m single, attractive, fit, educated and alone. I’m alone because of trifling men but I’d rather be married if you know what I mean. What I want you to tell me (if you can) why a beautiful black woman like myself doesn’t have a line of brothers fighting for the honor?
Signed,
What are black men scared of?
Victor Said...
My suggestion to every single sistah is to revisit those old-school values that made our communities so strong. Some of you may be too young to remember the standard dating protocol which brought our parents together so I’ll hip you to it. Once upon a time, a man had to speak to a woman’s parents before getting her alone where she could be swayed, corrupted, and turned out. Parents interviewed her dates and asked who his people were (very important for lunacy sake) and what were his intentions regarding their daughter!
If a brotha started stuttering and sweating, they knew right then he was lying or was going to bolt soon after getting what he wanted. Since times have changed, so to should the protocol… although slightly. Women who want to be married but do not have a line of men fighting over the honor to do so should do this:
Get out a piece of paper and list the Things you want from a relationship, the kinds of attributes your man must have, things you are willing to put up with in a relationship, and the things you won’t allow. And, until you get married, keep that list by your side, ask every man before the first date ends what his intentions are, his views on marriage, when and what needs to happen before he’s ready (not necessarily with you) and ask if he is gay, bi-sexual, bi-curious or any of the other social terms for homosexual behavior. Note: if you are concerned about scaring brothas off by bringing these things up, don’t be. Most of them already lack the backbone for commitment so you’re just weeding out the weak ones before investing too much time only to realize it months or years later. Be prepared to cut your losses on day one instead of on day one-thousand.
"Wheww... tell a friend."
Sistahs...
If you want to understand the complicated black man (like there is any other kind) or advice to help you get what you want from yours, ask Victor by sending an email message to Thewritebrother@hotmail.com. Submissions will be posted on the VictorMcGlothin.com web site.
Please note: Victor McGlothin is not a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, or marriage counselor and his responses are meant for entertainment purposes only.
All submissions should be limited to fifty words and have a short title i.e. "Confused in Chicago," "Freaky from Fountainhead," "Tired of the lies," "He might be crazy but I ain't," etc.
Responses to Victor said... may be edited and shortened for the sake of space. Don't forget to check in every Friday to see whatVictor said.. on www.VictorMcGlothin.com
2 your rant or rave
I wrote this along with two other talented people. We used to call ourselves the Poetic Flava Family. It's been awhile since we collaborated.
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Just a little light humor to get you through the week.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
--Author Unknown
3 your rant or rave
Photo Courtesy of A Friend (you know who you are)
The question asked in the poll: What celebrity is an example of your ideal man?
Denzel Washington was in the lead. Some may agree or disagree. Whether you voted for him or not, you have to agree Denzel is one sexy man. Pauletta (excuse me if I spelled your name wrong), you're one lucky woman. I want say which celebrity I voted for. There's something attractive about each one. Whether it be their smile, their eyes, their body, or their personality, each man has attributes that I find attractive.
4 your rant or rave
The pastor at church said something a few weeks ago in Bible Study that struck close to home. I decided to post it here because last week a subject was brought up in one of my reading groups and then me and a friend had a similiar conversation about men and relationships this past weekend.
People always say, he or she is my type. They get involved with "their type" and then the relationship doesn't work. They again find another person with the same qualities they consider "their type" and end up in another dead end relationship. Well if YOUR TYPE is not working out, maybe you need to change your criteria of what you're looking for in a mate, because apparently "your type" isn't working for you.
For example, if you only date men who are over 30 but younger than 35, you may be short changing yourself. The man for you might be 36 or 29, but you wouldn't know because of that one little criteria that in the end doesn't even matter if he's compatible with you.
Could your "Mr. Right" be someone you already know? Are we too judgmental when it comes to looking for "our type?"
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I was checking email and saw that my novel, My Invisible Husband, was on the Dallas Morning News Best Sellers List again this week.
It has been on there at least four times within the last 6 months, so I'm thrilled. Imagine doing the happy dance while sitting in front of your computer. :)
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How far would you go to please your family and friends? When does fiction become reality? Since the book's release, I've received emails from women who admit to being tired of people always in their business. Although Nikki took it to the extreme, they found the story humorous and made them laugh at their own situations.
Imagine my surprise that the fiction world that I created was someone's actual reality. The email read: "My best friend did the fake wedding thing in Vegas! The guy decided he didn't want to after she'd told her entire family, friends and co-workers."
After I received the email, I was intrigued. I wanted to get into the mind of the woman who went through with it. The fictional character Nikki did it because she was insecure and did it for the sake of appearances. As the novel suggests, lying is not the answer and this true-life story will vouch for that.
The woman who faked the wedding unfortunately is dealing with a lot emotionally from the real life charades. When asked to interview, she was afraid that her identity would be given away and would be too embarrassed if people found out the truth. The best friend however did agree to talk to me about it in more details. She's not afraid to use her real name, however she respects her friends privacy, so for the interview I agreed to use a pseudonym- Jackie Boston.
Thank you Jackie for this interview.
How does the novel My Invisible Husband relate to your real life? Unfortunately, my best friend 'faked' a marriage to a man she'd been shacking, living in common law or whatever one would call it. They always went on vacations, so when they went to Las Vegas, no flags went up. I thought they were going to gamble, relax and do some relationship bonding. When she came back, she said that they'd been married. I didn't believe her. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for her or anything. It was just weird that my best friend had gotten married and hadn't mentioned it to me. I relaxed about it when she said they wanted to surprise everybody. For such a special occasion, my man and I would have flown over to Vegas, especially since our men had been best friends since childhood.
How long did your friend's charade take place before she told you? Are you the only one she told? A year passed before she actually told me. There were a few times, after fights they'd have, that she eluded to it but never flat out until there was no way out of it. I could tell that what ever it was she wanted to tell me was really serious but she just couldn't find the words or strength to say it. I'd do the 'worse scenario' guessing game but never was this one of my guesses.
How did this affect your friendship? Have you been forced to lie to people too? Well, since this was already so devastating that she'd gone through such measures to protect her fabricated marital bliss, I just supported her. I told her I understood. She asked if I was mad about it. An added slap to her devastation is she'd told her father that she'd gotten married and two weeks later, he passed. She felt bad since she'd lied to him. That's when I realized the seriousness of this sticky situation. I realized the effects her lie had on me as well.
I was planning a post-wedding shower, maybe a small reception in our backyard. I started calling and pricing landscapers. Here in Boston, you have to wait until the season is right for that so it never happened, thank God for that. We did purchase expensive champagne and paid for a horse and carriage ride through the city on Valentines Day for them for the occasion and a small wedding gift for the time being though.
I started questioning my own relationship as a result though. My guy and I had been together much longer and were nowhere near marriage. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough or something since one friend had and the other hadn't. This had me really questioning myself. I knew that I was giving my relationship a 100% and felt under appreciated since my man hadn't asked my hand in marriage.
In many ways I'm forced to hold my tongue when discussions of marriage arise around our mutual friends. I listen as she speaks of her 'husband' and all of the wonderful things he does for her. When those mutual friends turn to me and say, "It's your turn next," and she agrees with them, it's a bit uncomfortable, especially when I'm the 'only' one of the group not married, per se.
I cringed and could barely hold my tongue when one day someone from the group made a wise crack insinuating that there must be something 'wrong' with anyone that is still single. Or that married women should not hang out with single friends-like single women are jealous and prey on their 'good husbands.'
Did she tell you why she did it? Yes! That was offered right away. She said her man asked her to and assured her that they'd get married at a later date after some personal issues were resolved. All too soon, the arguments started and they were thinking of splitting. I offered my opinions, like friends do. I told her, "At least you're married and won't be coming out with nothing, the way I would if and when my common law relationship ended. You'll probably get to keep the property as well as contents plus proceeds from your business."
This revelation started my own personal hell all over again. It was a reality check for my own situation. I actually left my common law marriage for that and many other reasons. I'm laughing here because I recall saying to her, "My relationship is doomed anyway. I wasn't raised to live with a man like this. I do know better and shouldn't expect it to work because it hadn't been blessed by God, like yours has."
She never said don't leave him if that's what you're basing it on because we're not actually married.
Has she discussed with you how she plans on getting out of the situation? Since then, she's left him and certainly with good reason. Her plans are to endure his 'emotional abuse' just to save face. She has stipulations he has to satisfy; the main one is that they actually get married.
She pretends that she is this strong woman that no longer needed/wanted the clutches of marriage. However, behind the scene, she's praying that he will marry her to abolish the lies.
What advice would you give others who have lied about relationships just to appease other folks? After experiencing this situation through my friends eyes and a few of my own crumbled relationships, I'd say just be real. Lies will come to light one day; one- way or another. The stress from the conniving is not worth your dignity, sanity and most of all, relationships with friends and relatives. Once discovered, you are labeled as a liar, but now, an insane liar. Self-dignity is well worth preserving.
If there are children involved, get yourself some help. Let your therapist know that you have a problem with pretentiousness. He/she will help guide you through a series of issues that you must have within that need immediate resolution before you destroy your children along with yourself.
Jackie, thank you again. Quite honestly, I was shocked when you first emailed me about your friend's situation. But I've learned one person's fiction is another person's reality.
Jackie's best friend faked a Las Vegas wedding. In MY INVISIBLE HUSBAND, the fictional character, Nikki Montana, faked a Las Vegas wedding. How far would you go to please your family and friends?
2 your rant or rave
One of the comments left by someone on this blog asked "What's really going on with people that go through such measures of deceit to prove a point that can NOT be proven or even exist?"
If you have any insight on this, please share.
In my opinion, there could be a number of reasons. I chose to have my character Nikki fake a Las Vegas wedding to give it a comical spin. Many times we put burdens on people unknowingly. In the case of Nikki, she was tired of folks in her business.
But anyway, what are your thoughts?
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What kind of questions do you get from others? How does it make you feel? Please post your comments here.
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Shelia Goss interviewed Nicolette Montana days before her trip to Las Vegas. Find out what this woman did "all in the name of love." Get the Exclusive interview here.
Shelia Goss: Please introduce yourself.
Nikki Montana: My name is Nicolette Montana but everyone calls me Nikki. I am 34 years old and as far as everyone knows, I'm engaged.
Shelia: Congratulations. When is the big day?
Nikki: Soon. Very Soon.
Shelia: Will it be here in Dallas?
Nikki: No. It'll be in Las Vegas. I can't wait to get away.
Shelia: What advice would you give other women who are in their 30s and have never been married?
Nikki: If you find a man that you love and the feelings are reciprocated, go for it. Otherwise, don't let your age cause you to bow down to the pressure.
Shelia: Were you pressured?
Nikki: Uh. Well. No. I just felt the need to share that with your readers.
Shelia: Tell us something special about your relationship.
Nikki: Where do I begin? He's everything I've dreamed of. He treats me like a queen and he's good eye-candy.
Shelia: If you could change anything about your relationship, what would it be?
Nikki: I wish he didn't travel as much.
Shelia: Do you think having a good sense of humor is important in a relationship.
Nikki: Yes. Very. Once we get married, he'll be away so much - I've already started calling him My Invisible Husband.
Shelia: LOL. Congrats again. Take plenty of pictures.
Nikki: I hope I don't lose the camera.
Shelia: I'm sure you won't.
Nikki: But you don't know me.
Remember the game charades? Nicolette Montana has taken the game a step further. Get the scoop in My Invisible Husband...before anyone else does. To read a novel excerpt, please visit the following website: http://www.sheliagoss.com/myinvisiblehusband.htm.
4 your rant or rave
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Victor Said...hmm...what did he have to say this week?
Essense Best Selling Author Victor McGlothin is back again this week. Be sure to visit his website.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Victor,
I was married for 8 years. I am now divorced, bought my own home and was moving on. After some months, I started dating my X for 5 years+ and have tried to cut it off again. I don't have the same feelings for him. I want us to just be friends, but he is persistent. I want to date, but I'm afraid of the unknown. What am I to do?
Signed,
I'm Afraid
Victor Said...
Afraid,
Don’t be Scurd. Moving on from a marriage after it has faltered beyond repair is always difficult but there is something to be said for being brave enough to leave instead of wasting years wishing you had. If you are serious about placing a ‘just friends’ tag on your ex-husband, don’t send any mixed messages to keep him thinking there might be a chance of getting back together (stop sleeping with him), don’t be a shoulder to cry on when his joys turn to pain (stop sleeping with him), and don’t engage in married folks business… Stop sleeping with him!
From a clinical stand point, it takes 28 days to break a habit so use it to get him out of your system and out of your bed. I suggest you tell him that you’ll be unavailable for conversation, visits or contact over the next month. Mark your calendar and count your blessings because the only thing to fear is fear itself. You’ve made a decision to hit the ground running. Looking back all but guarantees you’ll stumble and fall over the same rough terrain you petitioned the state to divorce.
If you believe that starting over is the best thing that ever happened to you, it will be. After today, there are only 27 more to go. Young, Single and Free is a good thing. Enjoy it!
Sistahs...
If you want to understand the complicated black man (like there is any other kind) or advice to help you get what you want from yours, ask Victor by sending an email message to Thewritebrother@hotmail.com. Submissions will be posted on the VictorMcGlothin.com web site.
Please note: Victor McGlothin is not a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, or marriage counselor and his responses are meant for entertainment purposes only.
All submissions should be limited to fifty words and have a short title i.e. "Confused in Chicago," "Freaky from Fountainhead," "Tired of the lies," "He might be crazy but I ain't," etc.
Responses to Victor said... may be edited and shortened for the sake of space. Don't forget to check in every Friday to see whatVictor said.. on www.VictorMcGlothin.com
If you want to understand the complicated black man (like there is any other kind) or advice to help you get what you want from yours, ask Victor by sending an email message to Thewritebrother@hotmail.com. Submissions will be posted on the VictorMcGlothin.com web site.
Please note: Victor McGlothin is not a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, or marriage counselor and his responses are meant for entertainment purposes only.
All submissions should be limited to fifty words and have a short title i.e. "Confused in Chicago," "Freaky from Fountainhead," "Tired of the lies," "He might be crazy but I ain't," etc.
Responses to Victor said... may be edited and shortened for the sake of space. Don't forget to check in every Friday to see whatVictor said.. on www.VictorMcGlothin.com
Friday, April 29, 2005
Are You a Drama Queen or King?
You Are a Drama Princess |
(You are more dramatic than 50% of the population.) You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments. You know how to steal the spotlight... And how to act out to get your way. People around you know that you're good for a laugh. But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone. Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention. |
Why don't you take the quiz? Click on the link:
Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?
Don't forget to come back to my blog and let me know the results. I promise I won't write a story about you...lol
Thursday, April 28, 2005
SOME TIPS FOR LIFE
(I highlighted my favorites)
1. Give people more than they expect, and do so cheerfully.2. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you’d like.
3. Don’t say, “I Love You”, unless you really mean it.
4. When you say, “I’m Sorry”, look the person in the eye, and mean it.
5. Be engaged at least 6 months before you get married.
6. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it’s the only way to live life completely.
7. In disagreements, fight fair. No name calling.
8. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
9. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
10. Call your Mom.
11. Say, “Bless You”, when you hear someone sneeze.
12. Don’t let a little squabble damage a good friendship.
13. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
14. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it your voice.
15. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, good conversation will be one of the principal elements of an enduring relationship.
16. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
17. Read more books, and watch less TV.
18. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
19. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
20. Mind your own business.
21. Trust in God.
--author unknown to me
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
P.S. - Ladies, I think he's single too. But do your research.
Surprisingly the majority of the men who took the survey didn't agree that any of the celebrity choices (Demi Moore, Gabrielle Union, Halle Berry, Jessica Simpson, Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox) were close to being their ideal woman. Makes me wonder, what qualities they are looking for. Hmm. I might have to send a question to Victor and find out.
Here are the other results.
2nd place Halle Berry
3rd place (tie) Queen Latifah and Jessica Simpson
None of the others received any votes.
Monday, April 25, 2005
As I read the newspaper and watched the news this past weekend, I was astonished at some of the things we do "all in the name of love." Since the allegations against this Spanish Talk Show Host are said to be false, I won't mention her name here, but she admitted that she didn't use her best judgment because during this "alleged" period, she was in love with someone of not so good character.
Have you ever been involved with someone and you allowed them to control your actions/reactions? How many times have you cut off family or friends, because of the new person you're dating? If that person you're dating can't understand you had a life before them, then he or she is the wrong person.
Earlier today, I was listening to some old CDs, one being Janet Jackson's "Control" CD. It made me think about how we sometimes give up control of our lives to others without thinking. "Control" is a liberating song. It's about taking back control of your life. Whether it be quitting and starting a new job, or stop allowing people to dictate our lives, some form of control is needed.
If you're single, don't allow OTHERS to control what you do with your time. So what if you're not married. Apparently, you haven't met the right person yet. Or if you are dating someone, it might not be the right time. But regardless, don't allow others to CONTROL the outcome of your life. In the end, you'll be the one who has to suffer the consequences.
If you're married, don't allow OTHERS to control what goes on in your marriage. You know your mate better than anyone else (well let's hope...smile). When you get upset and complain to relatives or friends, be aware that they will give their opinions. But also keep in mind that when you make up with your mate, those same relatives and friends may still harp on the issue you discussed with them. Try to resolve your issues with your mate yourself when at all possible. Too many opinions, can lead to more problems.
You are in control of your own emotions. Don't give up that power. We as women, sometimes give up control too easily; especially in new relationships or potential relationships. There is no reason why you should be out of control wondering if a man loves you or not. His actions should show that.
One thing I've learned over the years, a person can only do to you what you allow them to do.
If you want to stop being the victim to a family member, friend, or your man, then you will have to take control. Initially, there may be some pain involved, but in the end, you'll be free and happier.
So, this week, take some CONTROL over your life.
Friday, April 22, 2005
As a woman, I love hearing a male's point of view on affairs of the heart. Today's post is by Essense Best Selling Author Victor McGlothin.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Victor,
I’ve been keeping up with your column and I find my self laughing at some of the submissions but always waiting for Friday to see what Victor said next. Now, I’m giving everyone a fair chance to laugh at me although I don’t think many will. I’m single, attractive, fit, educated and alone. I’m alone because of trifling men but I’d rather be married if you know what I mean. What I want you to tell me (if you can) why a beautiful black woman like myself doesn’t have a line of brothers fighting for the honor?
Signed,
What are black men scared of?
Victor Said...
My suggestion to every single sistah is to revisit those old-school values that made our communities so strong. Some of you may be too young to remember the standard dating protocol which brought our parents together so I’ll hip you to it. Once upon a time, a man had to speak to a woman’s parents before getting her alone where she could be swayed, corrupted, and turned out. Parents interviewed her dates and asked who his people were (very important for lunacy sake) and what were his intentions regarding their daughter!
If a brotha started stuttering and sweating, they knew right then he was lying or was going to bolt soon after getting what he wanted. Since times have changed, so to should the protocol… although slightly. Women who want to be married but do not have a line of men fighting over the honor to do so should do this:
Get out a piece of paper and list the Things you want from a relationship, the kinds of attributes your man must have, things you are willing to put up with in a relationship, and the things you won’t allow. And, until you get married, keep that list by your side, ask every man before the first date ends what his intentions are, his views on marriage, when and what needs to happen before he’s ready (not necessarily with you) and ask if he is gay, bi-sexual, bi-curious or any of the other social terms for homosexual behavior. Note: if you are concerned about scaring brothas off by bringing these things up, don’t be. Most of them already lack the backbone for commitment so you’re just weeding out the weak ones before investing too much time only to realize it months or years later. Be prepared to cut your losses on day one instead of on day one-thousand.
"Wheww... tell a friend."
Sistahs...
If you want to understand the complicated black man (like there is any other kind) or advice to help you get what you want from yours, ask Victor by sending an email message to Thewritebrother@hotmail.com. Submissions will be posted on the VictorMcGlothin.com web site.
Please note: Victor McGlothin is not a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, or marriage counselor and his responses are meant for entertainment purposes only.
All submissions should be limited to fifty words and have a short title i.e. "Confused in Chicago," "Freaky from Fountainhead," "Tired of the lies," "He might be crazy but I ain't," etc.
Responses to Victor said... may be edited and shortened for the sake of space. Don't forget to check in every Friday to see whatVictor said.. on www.VictorMcGlothin.com
Thursday, April 21, 2005
I wrote this along with two other talented people. We used to call ourselves the Poetic Flava Family. It's been awhile since we collaborated.
"THE HIGHWAY OF LOVE AND, PAIN"
By Markess A Wilder~Shelia M Goss~Miguel A Wilder
I drove down heartbreak avenue, made a left on teardrop lane.
Hung a right on forsaken boulevard, and went through two streets.... ache, and pain.
I stopped at the lonely people intersection, then turned on a street called falling apart.
I must have made a wrong turn...on the way to your heart.
It must have been a dead-end, so I had to put my love in reverse.
Before doing that, I ran over something that made my heart want to burst.
I ran over a few aches and pains, then I decided it was time to change lanes.
So here I go again, driving down heartbreak lane.
Even though the road ahead is rough I'll Keep pressing on through the night.
My vision is blurred, and my body is tired but I'll keep moving towards the light.
Through road blocks, and detours
I search for my salvation.
I'll go on until I hit empty, or reach my destination.
I have been driving around for hours, so I pulled into this store.
The sign said broken promises, now where have I heard that name before?
I must be going in circles, this store is on that same street, falling apart.
I know I made a wrong turn on the way to your heart.
I did a U-turn and decided to go down another street.
I thought I was headed in the right direction, when my body started to over heat.
The steam finally dissolved itself and I knew it wasn't love.
So I must put a stop to this madness, before I hit another curve.
I've gotten lost before and the next love won't be in this direction.
The signs on the side of the road have taught me a lesson.
The next road I take, will not be the same.
I'm not giving up on finding it, I'm going back to lover's lane.
I'm off the back roads now, headed for the highway.
I'm just going to cruise on until the road stops, from now on I'm doing things my way.
Good-bye broken promises, as the neon light fades in the rear view.
No more looking back, because up ahead I have a clear view...
I stopped at the lonely people intersection, then turned on a street called falling apart.
I must have made a wrong turn...on the way to your heart.
It must have been a dead-end, so I had to put my love in reverse.
Before doing that, I ran over something that made my heart want to burst.
I ran over a few aches and pains, then I decided it was time to change lanes.
So here I go again, driving down heartbreak lane.
Even though the road ahead is rough I'll Keep pressing on through the night.
My vision is blurred, and my body is tired but I'll keep moving towards the light.
Through road blocks, and detours
I search for my salvation.I'll go on until I hit empty, or reach my destination.
I have been driving around for hours, so I pulled into this store.
The sign said broken promises, now where have I heard that name before?
I must be going in circles, this store is on that same street, falling apart.
I know I made a wrong turn on the way to your heart.
I did a U-turn and decided to go down another street.
I thought I was headed in the right direction, when my body started to over heat.
The steam finally dissolved itself and I knew it wasn't love.
So I must put a stop to this madness, before I hit another curve.
I've gotten lost before and the next love won't be in this direction.
The signs on the side of the road have taught me a lesson.
The next road I take, will not be the same.
I'm not giving up on finding it, I'm going back to lover's lane.
I'm off the back roads now, headed for the highway.
I'm just going to cruise on until the road stops, from now on I'm doing things my way.
Good-bye broken promises, as the neon light fades in the rear view.
No more looking back, because up ahead I have a clear view...
Copyright AUGUST 31, 1998 by Markess A Wilder~Shelia M Goss~Miguel A Wilder Of The Poetic Flava Family
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Just a little light humor to get you through the week.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
--Author Unknown
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Photo Courtesy of A Friend (you know who you are)
The question asked in the poll: What celebrity is an example of your ideal man?
Denzel Washington was in the lead. Some may agree or disagree. Whether you voted for him or not, you have to agree Denzel is one sexy man. Pauletta (excuse me if I spelled your name wrong), you're one lucky woman. I want say which celebrity I voted for. There's something attractive about each one. Whether it be their smile, their eyes, their body, or their personality, each man has attributes that I find attractive.
Monday, April 11, 2005
The pastor at church said something a few weeks ago in Bible Study that struck close to home. I decided to post it here because last week a subject was brought up in one of my reading groups and then me and a friend had a similiar conversation about men and relationships this past weekend.
People always say, he or she is my type. They get involved with "their type" and then the relationship doesn't work. They again find another person with the same qualities they consider "their type" and end up in another dead end relationship. Well if YOUR TYPE is not working out, maybe you need to change your criteria of what you're looking for in a mate, because apparently "your type" isn't working for you.
For example, if you only date men who are over 30 but younger than 35, you may be short changing yourself. The man for you might be 36 or 29, but you wouldn't know because of that one little criteria that in the end doesn't even matter if he's compatible with you.
Could your "Mr. Right" be someone you already know? Are we too judgmental when it comes to looking for "our type?"
Sunday, April 10, 2005
I was checking email and saw that my novel, My Invisible Husband, was on the Dallas Morning News Best Sellers List again this week.
It has been on there at least four times within the last 6 months, so I'm thrilled. Imagine doing the happy dance while sitting in front of your computer. :)
Friday, April 08, 2005
Thursday, April 07, 2005
How far would you go to please your family and friends? When does fiction become reality? Since the book's release, I've received emails from women who admit to being tired of people always in their business. Although Nikki took it to the extreme, they found the story humorous and made them laugh at their own situations.
Imagine my surprise that the fiction world that I created was someone's actual reality. The email read: "My best friend did the fake wedding thing in Vegas! The guy decided he didn't want to after she'd told her entire family, friends and co-workers."
After I received the email, I was intrigued. I wanted to get into the mind of the woman who went through with it. The fictional character Nikki did it because she was insecure and did it for the sake of appearances. As the novel suggests, lying is not the answer and this true-life story will vouch for that.
The woman who faked the wedding unfortunately is dealing with a lot emotionally from the real life charades. When asked to interview, she was afraid that her identity would be given away and would be too embarrassed if people found out the truth. The best friend however did agree to talk to me about it in more details. She's not afraid to use her real name, however she respects her friends privacy, so for the interview I agreed to use a pseudonym- Jackie Boston.
Thank you Jackie for this interview.
How does the novel My Invisible Husband relate to your real life? Unfortunately, my best friend 'faked' a marriage to a man she'd been shacking, living in common law or whatever one would call it. They always went on vacations, so when they went to Las Vegas, no flags went up. I thought they were going to gamble, relax and do some relationship bonding. When she came back, she said that they'd been married. I didn't believe her. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for her or anything. It was just weird that my best friend had gotten married and hadn't mentioned it to me. I relaxed about it when she said they wanted to surprise everybody. For such a special occasion, my man and I would have flown over to Vegas, especially since our men had been best friends since childhood.
How long did your friend's charade take place before she told you? Are you the only one she told? A year passed before she actually told me. There were a few times, after fights they'd have, that she eluded to it but never flat out until there was no way out of it. I could tell that what ever it was she wanted to tell me was really serious but she just couldn't find the words or strength to say it. I'd do the 'worse scenario' guessing game but never was this one of my guesses.
How did this affect your friendship? Have you been forced to lie to people too? Well, since this was already so devastating that she'd gone through such measures to protect her fabricated marital bliss, I just supported her. I told her I understood. She asked if I was mad about it. An added slap to her devastation is she'd told her father that she'd gotten married and two weeks later, he passed. She felt bad since she'd lied to him. That's when I realized the seriousness of this sticky situation. I realized the effects her lie had on me as well.
I was planning a post-wedding shower, maybe a small reception in our backyard. I started calling and pricing landscapers. Here in Boston, you have to wait until the season is right for that so it never happened, thank God for that. We did purchase expensive champagne and paid for a horse and carriage ride through the city on Valentines Day for them for the occasion and a small wedding gift for the time being though.
I started questioning my own relationship as a result though. My guy and I had been together much longer and were nowhere near marriage. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough or something since one friend had and the other hadn't. This had me really questioning myself. I knew that I was giving my relationship a 100% and felt under appreciated since my man hadn't asked my hand in marriage.
In many ways I'm forced to hold my tongue when discussions of marriage arise around our mutual friends. I listen as she speaks of her 'husband' and all of the wonderful things he does for her. When those mutual friends turn to me and say, "It's your turn next," and she agrees with them, it's a bit uncomfortable, especially when I'm the 'only' one of the group not married, per se.
I cringed and could barely hold my tongue when one day someone from the group made a wise crack insinuating that there must be something 'wrong' with anyone that is still single. Or that married women should not hang out with single friends-like single women are jealous and prey on their 'good husbands.'
Did she tell you why she did it? Yes! That was offered right away. She said her man asked her to and assured her that they'd get married at a later date after some personal issues were resolved. All too soon, the arguments started and they were thinking of splitting. I offered my opinions, like friends do. I told her, "At least you're married and won't be coming out with nothing, the way I would if and when my common law relationship ended. You'll probably get to keep the property as well as contents plus proceeds from your business."
This revelation started my own personal hell all over again. It was a reality check for my own situation. I actually left my common law marriage for that and many other reasons. I'm laughing here because I recall saying to her, "My relationship is doomed anyway. I wasn't raised to live with a man like this. I do know better and shouldn't expect it to work because it hadn't been blessed by God, like yours has."
She never said don't leave him if that's what you're basing it on because we're not actually married.
Has she discussed with you how she plans on getting out of the situation? Since then, she's left him and certainly with good reason. Her plans are to endure his 'emotional abuse' just to save face. She has stipulations he has to satisfy; the main one is that they actually get married.
She pretends that she is this strong woman that no longer needed/wanted the clutches of marriage. However, behind the scene, she's praying that he will marry her to abolish the lies.
What advice would you give others who have lied about relationships just to appease other folks? After experiencing this situation through my friends eyes and a few of my own crumbled relationships, I'd say just be real. Lies will come to light one day; one- way or another. The stress from the conniving is not worth your dignity, sanity and most of all, relationships with friends and relatives. Once discovered, you are labeled as a liar, but now, an insane liar. Self-dignity is well worth preserving.
If there are children involved, get yourself some help. Let your therapist know that you have a problem with pretentiousness. He/she will help guide you through a series of issues that you must have within that need immediate resolution before you destroy your children along with yourself.
Jackie, thank you again. Quite honestly, I was shocked when you first emailed me about your friend's situation. But I've learned one person's fiction is another person's reality.
Jackie's best friend faked a Las Vegas wedding. In MY INVISIBLE HUSBAND, the fictional character, Nikki Montana, faked a Las Vegas wedding. How far would you go to please your family and friends?
Sunday, April 03, 2005
One of the comments left by someone on this blog asked "What's really going on with people that go through such measures of deceit to prove a point that can NOT be proven or even exist?"
If you have any insight on this, please share.
In my opinion, there could be a number of reasons. I chose to have my character Nikki fake a Las Vegas wedding to give it a comical spin. Many times we put burdens on people unknowingly. In the case of Nikki, she was tired of folks in her business.
But anyway, what are your thoughts?
Friday, April 01, 2005
What kind of questions do you get from others? How does it make you feel? Please post your comments here.
HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO TO PLEASE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS?
NICOLETTE MONTANA FAKED A LAS VEGAS WEDDING
Shelia Goss interviewed Nicolette Montana days before her trip to Las Vegas. Find out what this woman did "all in the name of love." Get the Exclusive interview here.
Shelia Goss: Please introduce yourself.
Nikki Montana: My name is Nicolette Montana but everyone calls me Nikki. I am 34 years old and as far as everyone knows, I'm engaged.
Shelia: Congratulations. When is the big day?
Nikki: Soon. Very Soon.
Shelia: Will it be here in Dallas?
Nikki: No. It'll be in Las Vegas. I can't wait to get away.
Shelia: What advice would you give other women who are in their 30s and have never been married?
Nikki: If you find a man that you love and the feelings are reciprocated, go for it. Otherwise, don't let your age cause you to bow down to the pressure.
Shelia: Were you pressured?
Nikki: Uh. Well. No. I just felt the need to share that with your readers.
Shelia: Tell us something special about your relationship.
Nikki: Where do I begin? He's everything I've dreamed of. He treats me like a queen and he's good eye-candy.
Shelia: If you could change anything about your relationship, what would it be?
Nikki: I wish he didn't travel as much.
Shelia: Do you think having a good sense of humor is important in a relationship.
Nikki: Yes. Very. Once we get married, he'll be away so much - I've already started calling him My Invisible Husband.
Shelia: LOL. Congrats again. Take plenty of pictures.
Nikki: I hope I don't lose the camera.
Shelia: I'm sure you won't.
Nikki: But you don't know me.
Remember the game charades? Nicolette Montana has taken the game a step further. Get the scoop in My Invisible Husband...before anyone else does. To read a novel excerpt, please visit the following website: http://www.sheliagoss.com/myinvisiblehusband.htm.
